Dear Ex-Boyfriend

Dear Ex-Boyfriend:

I had a dream about you last night, so I feel the need to write this letter.

The breakup was my fault. I moved away to be closer to family, and perhaps (subconsciously) I knew this was going to force a breakup and I didn’t have the courage to do it first. I always have hope, which is also a detrimental characteristic of mine. However, the reasons behind the breakup is not entirely me. Here’s a list.

1. You’re arrogant. For example, you tried to tell me how to analyze literature because “I’m a voracious reader. I bet I’ve read more books than you.” No, you haven’t. I have a B.A. in English, Sociology, a minor in Gender/Women studies, have 4 concentrations, and was in graduate school for English at this time. You have a degree in International Studies. You have no other BA or minors to your name. You are not qualified to tell me how to analyze literature. A few months later, when watching Game of Thrones with friends, one had mentioned her student had a palindromic name. She explained what it meant, as it is not a frequently used word in English vernacular. You interrupted her, said, “I know”, then proceeded to roll your eyes (unnecessarily hard). You could have handled that better, but you didn’t.

2. You would undercut me whenever you wanted to feel better about yourself. For example, I can cook and bake. I’m quite good at both, but this requires experiments and calculated risk-taking. So when I make banana bread with apple sauce (instead of sugar). Since I added coconut flakes and chocolate chips, you mocked it, saying it wasn’t banana bread, and would tell my friends about it. You tried to make it a joke, but it stops after 5 minutes. You would not let it go. I took it in stride, but others had noticed this.

3. You are clueless when it comes to female sexuality. You wanted it 24/7, and when I turned you down you turned to pornography. Because if this, you turned it on me and said I forced you to turn that way. No, you had a conscious choice, as we all do, on how to find healthy outlets of frustration, no matter what type or the basis/cause thereof. You weigh 350 pounds. I didn’t want to be intimate because you crush me. I, literally, could not breathe when you were on top. As for me being on top, you said you would have to “stretch me out”, meaning my hamstrings and legs. No, you need to lose weight as nobody can wrap their legs around you. This I kept to myself as you were sensitive about your weight. I, as a lady, can commiserate. Therefore, I wasn’t willing to hurt your feelings. I guess by not telling you the truth I was doing us both a disservice. I apologize. I truly had the purest of intent.

4. You tried to exert power trips on my friends, much to their horror. When it was ladies night at a bar, you insisted upon coming along. They were kind, but not friendly to you. When they weren’t singing your praises about the books you’ve read (as these ladies read different genres) and weren’t interested in your analysis of the classics, you went and bought shots for them. These were duck farts, guinness and something else unknown? They were not interested in drinking these, and as they weren’t going to be consumed, I offered to drink a couple. You said to me, “No, these aren’t for you. These are for them.” This comment was not appreciated by my friends. You didn’t ask them what they liked. One person referred to this evening as “Pugsley’s Power Play Night”.

5. You left me and a friend at a bar to walk home when we “didn’t come when called.” We’re your friends, and fellow human beings. We’re not dogs. We don’t take orders from you.

6. Speaking of dogs, how can you expect anybody to want to have children when you think dogs are “messy, hairy, shedding beasts.” Uh, and children are….? How could I think about breeding with you when you would expect subservience from your partner in all things? All the crap jobs would fall to me. I would be expected to run by every decision by you, and you would make a ruling. That’s not an equal partnership. That’s servitude. If you want children, or a decent human being to love you, you will have to change your ways of thinking.

7. The reason why you and your father do not get along is your identical personalities. It’s your way or the highway. Do not mock your father, as in a way, you are mocking the very things people do not like in yourself.

All those reasons aside, I still loved you, but not enough to be a subservient, tame, docile, domesticated motherwife. This relationship hasn’t been a complete failure. It certainly taught me what to tolerate, what to compromise, and if a partner isn’t willing to compromise, I will hit the highway. I am better off alone than making a huge mistake and being patronized, pestered into putting out, having children, and converting to Catholicism.

I wish you well in your future endeavors. Do not contact me. Do not email me. Do not, under any circumstances, talk to my friends. They hate you and will not hesitate to tell you. My sister may have wanted to “remain friends” after our breakup, which you are more than welcome to do. She will do to you what she did to me: sell you out for her benefit.

In closing: TIL Engines have a Magneto. Yes, that’s what it’s called. It generates power from the battery to the alternator. When the engine starts up and is running, it runs off the alternator, not the battery.

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