Buzzfeed posted a quiz, “What Should Your Hangover Name Be?”

One would think that, by now, after 10 years of hard drinking, I’d know how to answer these following questions. Here’s my thought process.

What is your ideal hungover meal? Options are the following: A full English Breakfast, a plain bowl of Rice Krispies, a healthy and delicious smoothie, just all of the greasy food, a bacon butty (whatever that is), or an ice cream sundae. I chose “all the greasy food” because it’s true. Mostly, I just don’t want to cook. After a night of drinking, I wake up and puke. I throw up whatever was in my stomach, brush my teeth and rinse my atrocious mouth out. I start by drinking water for about a half hour, then slowly lurch towards the kitchen. In the process of walking, I’ll find that mysterious bruise and try to think about the time I fell and made it, but ultimately, I won’t remember.

I don’t want to cook. I don’t want to move too much because everything hurts. I will look inside the freezer, and go with the path of least resistance: frozen, breaded, greasy white fish. If I’m asked out to breakfast at a truck stop, then fish goes back in the freezer and I’ll force myself to drink more H2O, clean up a bit, spritz some body spray up, and go out. I’m not going to turn down breakfast potatoes, scrambled eggs, bacon, and chicken fried steak with extra gravy, or biscuits with extra gravy. Mmmm. Gravy.

Where do you want to spend your hangover? A cafe, Wherever your pals are, In bed, Alone in a dark cave, in the park, or At an all you can eat buffet? I chose a cafe, because coffee. Coffee is probably not the best, in theory, as caffeine is a diuretic. However, hot coffee with cream is delicious, and is made with water. You need water, and coffee is a great way to consume it, hangover or not. But, if I’m honest, I wouldn’t stay there for too long. What if the ladies room is occupied and I have to puke? I can’t be too far away from an unoccupied stall, people. Nobody else should have to pay for my drinking, and that includes witnessing the aftermath.

What’s the first thing you do when you wake up hungover? Text all your friends about gossip from the night before, replay last night’s events in your head with a sense of regret, Eat, have a shower, try to figure out how you can get water without moving, have a poo. I chose “try to figure out how you can get water without moving”. I know my hangover is 99% done when I pee. I actually am hydrated enough to have something to give to the throne besides puke. That’s a blissful moment. And screw you for judging me because you know that wonderful feeling just as well as I do!  B “replay last night’s events in your head with a sense of regret” was a close second, because once I’m feeling better, I can better assess how much self-hatred to take out on myself because I should have known better not to dance like that.

Pick a onesie: 5 different kinds of onesies, and a no. I chose no. I’m a big girl. I wear yoga pants and a tank top. Granted, they’re R2D2 yoga pants and a Darth Vader tank top, but that way even people in my dreams know I’m a nerd at heart.

What fake illness would you call in sick with? Stomach bug, *cough* a cough, You would never pull a sickie for a hangover, Herpes, You’d tell the truth, The Flu. I have never called in sick with a hangover. I will go to work and look like hell, and most likely, be stuffed in the corner and glared at by management. Because managers are perfect and do nothing wrong and lead by example by never getting drunk…. yeah….

What celeb do you want to spend your hangover day with? Gordon Ramsay, no one, Tina Fey, Seth Rogan, Lady Gaga, Nicki Minaj. I chose “no one” because I don’t want to hang with a celebrity when I look 3 steps to the left of death. I want them to see me at my best! Who wouldn’t? You know your friends are true friends when they see you hungover and tell you how horrible you look, and you snicker because you know it’s true, and they probably look just as bad.

What do you like to do when you’re hungover? Netflix marathon in bed, curl up in a ball and die, eat then cook then eat some more then order take away and eat that, eat a big brunch and then watch a film, Facebook stalk whoever you and your friends made out with the night before. Netflix marathon in bed FTW! You can sleep whenever, rewind or rewatch episodes, and nobody talks to you about your feelings.

Pick a vessel to vomit in: a red metal bucket, your hands, an outdoor garbage bin that looks like it belongs in a dog park, a KFC bucket, a water main, or an ugly purse. A red metal bucket, because the rest is just, so, unsanitary.

My hangover name? Timothy.

My first thought is below. Have a great day.


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