I’m thinking about divorcing my parents. I know that sounds really, really weird. I don’t know if this is going to be a good move for me, or if it’s going to be a potentially “hazardous for my health” kind of solution. This article quotes a psychoanalyst blatantly saying you cannot fix a relationship unless you are in it. This reminds me of the relationship with my sister, and that I am no longer in a relationship with my sister. It’s not what I want. It’s not ideal for our family. I know this communication disruption is not going to solve anything and will only exacerbate any and all sorts of issues that we have. We will have to pick up not where we left off, but a few steps back from where we were. I should be able to rely on my parents sending pictures and info, but instead my “spies” send more info to me than them.
After hearing that my sister separated from her husband, taking the kids to live God knows where, and willingly cheats on her husband (as well as telling everyone about it) I contacted my parents. I was absolutely devastated for my sister, as well as feeling the pain that no doubt my nephews and niece feel right now. I never wanted this to happen. Even though we don’t talk, and I have moments of fierce disdain (I really truly despise what she has done), I would never want her to be in any pain. I don’t want her to emotionally hurt herself or others, even though some of the things that she has said to me in the past about my life and my choices would make it easy for me to be vindictive and judge her for the choices that she’s making. I can’t imagine anybody wanting this to happen, to themselves or to any of their relatives. But I understand that sometimes people need to take a step back in order to move forward.
However, in order to move forward it helps to have a great support group. It helps to have somebody in your corner. When I called up my parents to tell them the news, I was quite surprised with their answer. They languidly said, “She’s on her own. We stay out of our daughters’ lives because there’s nothing we can do to change it. How are you doing?”
When I found out they were not going to get involved in the salvaging of their daughters marriage, knowing full and certain that she has lost her way and was in pain (and inflicting pain on their grandchildren), I realize they could and would do it to me. Any and all repercussions will come down on me, even if I was collateral damage of someone else’s decision (like last time). I am truly on my own. It’s quite sad, knowing I don’t have what others do (supportive parents). This is just envy, and I know it to be what it is, just an emotion. I can justify it any way I like, but I decide to acknowledge and move on from this emotion to something else: action.
This begs the question: what should I do next? How do I move on? Do I want to be in this relationship, knowing that when I need help the most, I won’t be able to rely on my parents? Is it their job to get involved? How could they get involved without meddling and making things worse?