Parental Divorce

I’m thinking about divorcing my parents. I know that sounds really, really weird. I don’t know if this is going to be a good move for me, or if it’s going to be a potentially “hazardous for my health” kind of solution. This article quotes a psychoanalyst blatantly saying you cannot fix a relationship unless you are in it. This reminds me of the relationship with my sister, and that I am no longer in a relationship with my sister. It’s not what I want. It’s not ideal for our family. I know this communication disruption is not going to  solve anything and will only exacerbate any and all sorts of issues that we have. We will have to pick up not where we left off, but a few steps back from where we were. I should be able to rely on my parents sending pictures and info, but instead my “spies” send more info to me than them.
After hearing that my sister separated from her husband, taking the kids to live God knows where, and willingly cheats on her husband (as well as telling everyone about it) I contacted my parents. I was absolutely devastated for my sister, as well as feeling the pain that no doubt my nephews and niece feel right now. I never wanted this to happen. Even though we don’t talk, and I have moments of fierce disdain (I really truly despise what she has done), I would never want her to be in any pain. I don’t want her to emotionally hurt herself or others, even though some of the things that she has said to me in the past about my life and my choices would make it easy for me to be vindictive and judge her for the choices that she’s making. I can’t imagine anybody wanting this to happen, to themselves or to any of their relatives. But I understand that sometimes people need to take a step back in order to move forward.
However, in order to move forward it helps to have a great support group. It helps to have somebody in your corner. When I called up my parents to tell them the news, I was quite surprised with their answer. They languidly said, “She’s on her own. We stay out of our daughters’ lives because there’s nothing we can do to change it. How are you doing?”
When I found out they were not going to get involved in the salvaging of their daughters marriage, knowing full and certain that she has lost her way and was in pain (and inflicting pain on their grandchildren), I realize they could and would do it to me. Any and all repercussions will come down on me, even if I was collateral damage of someone else’s decision (like last time). I am truly on my own. It’s quite sad, knowing I don’t have what others do (supportive parents). This is just envy, and I know it to be what it is, just an emotion. I can justify it any way I like, but I decide to acknowledge and move on from this emotion to something else: action.

This begs the question: what should I do next? How do I move on? Do I want to be in this relationship, knowing that when I need help the most, I won’t be able to rely on my parents? Is it their job to get involved? How could they get involved without meddling and making things worse?


Moms: Something not to tell your single friends…

Alright peeps. PSA time. If you’re a mom, please don’t say things like,

1. “Gosh, you go to movies by yourself? I’d feel like such a loser!” 1st, don’t hate me and my single life because you can’t take a shit without some 3 year old trying to tear down the door. We get it: the grass looks greener on the other side. You would love to say the one thing moms can’t get away saying: I’d love to have an hour without my kids because they’re physically draining and emotionally exhausting. You know what, moms? You’ve EARNED that hour many times over. You’ve been and done almost everything with/for your kids, and yet you still feel terrible. You still feel like you should be doing more, going more, encouraging more. MORE MOAAR MOAAARR!!!!!  Take a deep breath. You’re doing fine. You will not fuck your kid up by asking your spouse/baby daddy/partner to take over for an hour so you can get a cup of coffee and read People magazine at a coffee shop. You trusted them enough to make this baby with you, or at least I hope you had a great orgasm out of the deal. If not, then might I suggest you spend that hour at an adult book store finding a toy to help you relax. Your kids have toys. You need one, too.

Bonus tip: “I’m trying to lose, like, 10 pounds so I can be thin and sexy.” 1st, no man has ever complained that there was too much to hold on to. If you’re confident in your skin enough to be playful and romp around, then all the more power to ya, sista. If some dude/partner/spouse says your body has changed, then you can just as easily say theirs has, too. Thin does not always = sexy, especially if you’re not willing to have sexy time until you lose those 10 pounds. You know what turns a guy on? Smelling like bacon. He can play scratch and sniff. Go getim’ ladies.

[Image] Let go of the past

I am afraid of repeating the past. It had its good times, sure. But I remember my failures more clearly than my successes. My graduation of my double B.A. does not bring me joy as much as it should. It doesn’t seem as if my parents were proud of me. My 1st graduation open house (ever) turned into a shit show with family usurping attention and causing drama with friends. I paid for everything myself and went into the red. My boyfriend (who wasn’t a very good one) dumped me at 5am Sunday morning, the beginning of finals week and my graduation, via text. Because he’s a chicken shit, apparently.
After I get my M.A., what do I do? Where do I go? I could move on and do so many great things! I don’t need a party once I get it. I don’t need to tell everyone I have it. I just need to finish what I’ve started, and that is amazingly hard.

I Fell Off the Wagon

My boss, who has always had my back and seemed like a nice guy, was fired. He was replaced by a guy who I know little about. My former boss might leave the company, and I have little faith in myself to do my job without him. They let 2 other people go that were not very good at their jobs go. While it doesn’t break my heart, they’re gone. Who knows what they’ll do?

Now I’m to do 2x the work, and for the same pay. I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. My roommate is needing me to stay in town. My company offered me a job 70 miles away. I doubt they’ll pay for the move, and I’ll be starting new in a new town, yet again. I know change is painful and necessary, but why must it happen and I have have seemingly no control?

Before, all the changes had something to do with my actions and decisions. Now I’m drinking to deal with the loss, the change, and I wonder if, subconsciously, the answer to all my problems will present itself. If they’re cleaning house, I wonder how soon until they see me for what a failure I am and get rid of me? What is so great about me, a known screw-up, to keep me around? Am I a doormat, so easily swayed? Am I so oblivious to what they could be paying me? Can I not see what and who they really are? Or was my boss really that incompetent? What did I miss?

And why am I drinking? I made it 5 months. I’m still employed, for now. What made this scenario so bad that I thought alcohol and a play mix of “Music of the 2000’s” could cure it?

I have too many questions, and not enough answers. I know I won’t find those answers at the bottom of a beer glass, but apparently I thought I would when I started. This is probably why I need a sponsor, or somebody who knows what I’m going through.

If you know of anybody I could call, please let me know.

We humans can be such assholes sometimes.

I know, that’s quite a pessimistic statement, or self-defeatist. But, you know what? It’s true. We have room for such compassion, creativity, and love. What do we decide to fill that room with? Addiction, gluttony, and selfishness.

Last weekend, I started quantifiable research on divorced professional women and asking about their wedding traditions, focusing on their choice of last name. Knowing what you already know about my experience observing the disintegration of my sister’s marriage and her infidelity, you can imagine this has not been easy research. I went back to my old stomping grounds, a place of fond memories and current mixed emotions. My friends were happy to see me, and I was happy to be there.

Now for the fun part. I have 1 ex that I still keep in contact, Erik. He’s a wonderful guy, quiet and reserved, but has proven himself (via actions, not words) to be trustworthy and upstanding. I’d trust him with just about anything of mine, because even if he’s mad at me, he would never hurt me for spite. We met when I was 21, and a drunk. We’ve always come together for comfort, and I think I’m one of the only women he’s trusted since his then-girlfriend moved him halfway across the country, just to dump him a few months later. While this has been 10 years ago, I imagine it still hurts him. Having guy friends to drink beer and grill with can only soothe a wound so much. Anyways, I had mentioned the falling out with my sister, and he never asked what had happened. When I asked if he cared to ask, he said he didn’t want to know. That part stung, but he followed up with, “It’d probably just make me really mad.” Cop out or taking my side? Who knows. Later that night, we were fixing my computer and I asked if I could stay, and he offered a spare bedroom, and joked about sleeping on the floor.  When I asked why, he quietly said, “We have such a history…”

That cut deep. I wasn’t wanted by the one person who had always wanted me before. I knew one day we would have to move on, but I didn’t want it to be now. It couldn’t be now, not when I needed him the most. Some guy thought my married, mother of 4 sister was a better option than me. I’ve been passed over and picked over by individuals, given up on. Not now, and not by the one guy whom had shown such kindness and compassion to me before, especially when I was a drunk and didn’t “deserve” it. This time, I’m cleaned up. I’m trying to work through a messy situation, but I’m doing life so much better than before. I didn’t want sex; I just wanted to be intimate, to feel wanted. Realistically, I know I’m not being punished for anything in the past, but now I feel as if we served our sentence, and are out on parole. I got out of that house at record speeds, and now we only talk of computers and games. I’ve lost a good friend.

Loving someone and them not loving you back is a bit like waiting for your ship to come in at the airport. I’ll have to cry a little, and eat enough ice cream to barely escape a diabetic coma. It’s going to be painful, and it’s going to suck royal donkey balls. I’m going to have to take myself out to dinner and movie, to self-soothe like a child would. However, I have to know that I’ll be okay on my own, more so now than before. If family is a choice that one makes every day, then so is friendship with yourself and others. If he doesn’t want to be a friend, I cannot force some resemblance of a relationship to materialize. I can choose to be an asshole, or I can choose to be compassionate and loving.

And just because I can, here’s my review of the Audiobook I listened to on the road to my old stomping grounds.

High-RiseHigh-Rise by J.G. Ballard

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I listened to the Audiobook, read by Tom Hiddleston (Loki in “Avengers” and “Thor”). I’ve been impressed with his impersonations and mimicry in interviews. He did a wonderful job on the short stories of Ian Flemming, and since he’s playing Dr. Robert Laing in “High-Rise”, I thought his perspective and experience filming would make for an interesting interpretation of the main characters. Yeah… it was interesting alright.

I like Audio books for longer road trips. After I finished this book, I turned to the invisible person in the passenger seat next to me and said, louder than my usual speaking volume, “What the absolute fuck.” Hiddleston’s narration took a backseat to the story. This story has made me immeasurably grateful for growing up on a farm away from people. This story describes what a complete and total breakdown of social structure and any human progress would look like in an urban setting. Women turned into doormats (why was there little to no resistance?) and men become neanderthals, beating and dragging the women back to their caves. Where were people getting their money for food at the beginning of the breakdown? Why weren’t the police called? Why weren’t people leaving to do their jobs? Why weren’t people coming to visit and “rescuing” the individuals who had become feral? It was an interesting story, written with expert hands by Ballard, and delivered wonderfully by Hiddleston.

That being said, I’m still really freaking grateful for growing up on a farm with animals, and little contact with humans.

View all my reviews

Buzzfeed posted a quiz, “What Should Your Hangover Name Be?”

One would think that, by now, after 10 years of hard drinking, I’d know how to answer these following questions. Here’s my thought process.

What is your ideal hungover meal? Options are the following: A full English Breakfast, a plain bowl of Rice Krispies, a healthy and delicious smoothie, just all of the greasy food, a bacon butty (whatever that is), or an ice cream sundae. I chose “all the greasy food” because it’s true. Mostly, I just don’t want to cook. After a night of drinking, I wake up and puke. I throw up whatever was in my stomach, brush my teeth and rinse my atrocious mouth out. I start by drinking water for about a half hour, then slowly lurch towards the kitchen. In the process of walking, I’ll find that mysterious bruise and try to think about the time I fell and made it, but ultimately, I won’t remember.

I don’t want to cook. I don’t want to move too much because everything hurts. I will look inside the freezer, and go with the path of least resistance: frozen, breaded, greasy white fish. If I’m asked out to breakfast at a truck stop, then fish goes back in the freezer and I’ll force myself to drink more H2O, clean up a bit, spritz some body spray up, and go out. I’m not going to turn down breakfast potatoes, scrambled eggs, bacon, and chicken fried steak with extra gravy, or biscuits with extra gravy. Mmmm. Gravy.

Where do you want to spend your hangover? A cafe, Wherever your pals are, In bed, Alone in a dark cave, in the park, or At an all you can eat buffet? I chose a cafe, because coffee. Coffee is probably not the best, in theory, as caffeine is a diuretic. However, hot coffee with cream is delicious, and is made with water. You need water, and coffee is a great way to consume it, hangover or not. But, if I’m honest, I wouldn’t stay there for too long. What if the ladies room is occupied and I have to puke? I can’t be too far away from an unoccupied stall, people. Nobody else should have to pay for my drinking, and that includes witnessing the aftermath.

What’s the first thing you do when you wake up hungover? Text all your friends about gossip from the night before, replay last night’s events in your head with a sense of regret, Eat, have a shower, try to figure out how you can get water without moving, have a poo. I chose “try to figure out how you can get water without moving”. I know my hangover is 99% done when I pee. I actually am hydrated enough to have something to give to the throne besides puke. That’s a blissful moment. And screw you for judging me because you know that wonderful feeling just as well as I do!  B “replay last night’s events in your head with a sense of regret” was a close second, because once I’m feeling better, I can better assess how much self-hatred to take out on myself because I should have known better not to dance like that.

Pick a onesie: 5 different kinds of onesies, and a no. I chose no. I’m a big girl. I wear yoga pants and a tank top. Granted, they’re R2D2 yoga pants and a Darth Vader tank top, but that way even people in my dreams know I’m a nerd at heart.

What fake illness would you call in sick with? Stomach bug, *cough* a cough, You would never pull a sickie for a hangover, Herpes, You’d tell the truth, The Flu. I have never called in sick with a hangover. I will go to work and look like hell, and most likely, be stuffed in the corner and glared at by management. Because managers are perfect and do nothing wrong and lead by example by never getting drunk…. yeah….

What celeb do you want to spend your hangover day with? Gordon Ramsay, no one, Tina Fey, Seth Rogan, Lady Gaga, Nicki Minaj. I chose “no one” because I don’t want to hang with a celebrity when I look 3 steps to the left of death. I want them to see me at my best! Who wouldn’t? You know your friends are true friends when they see you hungover and tell you how horrible you look, and you snicker because you know it’s true, and they probably look just as bad.

What do you like to do when you’re hungover? Netflix marathon in bed, curl up in a ball and die, eat then cook then eat some more then order take away and eat that, eat a big brunch and then watch a film, Facebook stalk whoever you and your friends made out with the night before. Netflix marathon in bed FTW! You can sleep whenever, rewind or rewatch episodes, and nobody talks to you about your feelings.

Pick a vessel to vomit in: a red metal bucket, your hands, an outdoor garbage bin that looks like it belongs in a dog park, a KFC bucket, a water main, or an ugly purse. A red metal bucket, because the rest is just, so, unsanitary.

My hangover name? Timothy.

My first thought is below. Have a great day.

You want the castle? First, you have to swim the moat and run the gauntlet.

What is guilty pleasure? Why should we feel guilty for pleasuring ourselves (in a various G, PG, PG-13, R, NC-17 kind of way)? Why do we have to constantly be doing something? Why feel guilty when we take some time off, or worse, guilty when we verbalize our inner monologue, and ask or say something which is deemed by society as “inappropriate” or “disrespectful”? For a minor example, have you ever taken any Cosmo, or BuzzFeed quiz’s? I’ve included a link to “Which 2015 Oscar Nominee Are You” at the bottom. Take it after you’re done reading this; I don’t want to lose you to BuzzFeed. That website (and reddit) can take away 2-3 hours of your day. Easy. Anyway, one frequently asked question within these types of quizzes is, “What would your friends say is your best personal attribute?” I don’t know about you and your friends, but I have never once turned to my friend at a restaurant and asked, “What do you like most about me?” Does that seem vain, shallow, and pseudo-compliment-fishing to you? Unless you’re a certified narcissist, sociopath, and psychopath, you’d probably say, “yes, it does.” But at your lowest of moments and in need of a confidence boost, wouldn’t it be great to ask?

While perusing, I came across a post where friends (after a few beers) started a game. They were in the privacy of their car (why drinking in a car? sounds stupid to me) and the rules were as follows: you had to tell every single person, in a blunt way, what you hated most about them. Spare no emotions or words. Your turn ended by telling everybody what you hate most about yourself. Nobody was allowed to argue, talk back, or make excuses. You shut up and you take it. After everybody has their turn, and comes back to the first person, it starts over again. Only this time, they said what you loved most about that person. Again, sparing no emotions or words. Being blunt is normally considered a detriment, but in the 2nd round, it seems it can be quite the quality. I suggested this exercise to a friend. She thought it was ridiculous and terrifying. I agree to both, but wouldn’t it be more beneficial than detrimental? Change is slow, but necessary and painful. Not that growing pains is necessary, but mostly unavoidable. To evolve and take the next step, In order to maintain a healthy forest, it needs to burn. In order to raise a building, you have to raze the condemned, existing structure. Or maybe I’m just a sucker for a sociological experiment.

I tell you these two stories to tell you this: If all I’ve done is put forth effort into various relationships with others, and not seeing them put forth the same effort, then it becomes very unbalanced. Bitterness swells and respect (AKA love) shrinks. I’ve felt as if I’ve called, emailed, traveled, invested money and spent time on various relationships, both professional and personal. And for what? What is the benefit?

With professional relationships, it seems as if there’s no room for pathos or ethos in the daily rhetoric; just the logos, ma’am. Professional relationships should be based with the same goals in mind: working towards bettering the company, making money, and benefiting our world (maybe the last one seems a bit hippie-dippie, but for the sake of corporate image, we’ll stick with it). Our ability to feel and care about others’ feelings should be left in the parking garage with our sentimentality. Feelings cloud judgment, and too many people are counting on clear judgment and sound decisions. However, we are not Vulcan; we cannot bury our emotions below years of psychological evolution, even if it is what some would desire. This can lead to some, at best, very awkward behaviors, and at most, detrimental outcomes. Ever heard the phrase, “don’t shit where you eat”? Bluntness for the win!

With personal relationships, there is room for it all. Is some unwritten rule stating there should be no exclusions? Probably. We don’t want to miss a single thing about the person we know and love. True friends will listen, hear, speak, see, and help you process all. If you edit yourself in front of someone, you’re not being “true to yourself.” Not being true to yourself means short-changing the person beside you, trying to do all for and with you. Personal relationships are built on shared experiences, which leads to trusting one another, then building to love/respect. It seems very simple. 1+2=3. You can’t skip out on 1 or 2 and expect 3 to magically appear.

If people in your professional relationships can quarterly evaluate your attributes and show you areas of improvements, then why can’t people in your personal relationships do the same, utilizing as much diplomacy as they can? This evolves relationships, fosters growth starting from the ground up, and works toward a common goal.

Speaking of psychological evolution, I read an article a while back posted on, where one study showed thousands (to hundreds) of years ago, being excluded from a tribe, community, or family would have had severe psychological and physiological repercussions. This makes sense as this was how many organizations kept people in line. If you were too…. something, then you were forced to face the world by yourself. You would have to hunt and gather on your own. You were forced out of someones will and had to provide for yourself. However, with communities and family structures evolving and changing, being forced out of a community means finding one on your own. A simple internet search brings one right to others like themselves, thousands of miles away. *UN acknowledges internet access a basic human right.*  Being related by blood isn’t so important anymore. Bonding is psychological, not biological. Again, 1+2=3.

Full disclosure: I’ve never seen a Panda Bear or Polar Bear in real life. I’ve never experienced racism. However, just because I don’t see it on a (either regular or irregular basis) doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. We can’t collectively put our heads up our asses in hopes the scenery will change, especially if you’re already in a shitty situation. Pun fully intended.

So to boil down the very basis of this post: Are there any benefits to asking your family and friends, “What have you done for me these past few days, weeks, months, years?” “What do you love and hate most about me?” “Why are you and I friends/family?” YES. YES. YES. You don’t want certain people in your life? That’s totally fine. You should make room for people you WANT in your life. So what if you can’t choose your family members? You can choose your friends. Friends and family should be reminded of that regularly. All relationships are a choice. Someone just can’t say, “Well, I’m your mother,” or “Well, I’m your sister,” and expect the unspoken guilt trip to take hold. “You have to do whatever I want in order for me to remain in your life because where would you be without me?”

“Well, sister, better off. That’s where I’d be.”

Don’t take your family members for granted, because you are totally replaceable. We haven’t evolved past the need for human intimacy, but we’ve evolved past the need of nuclear family. Do not ever think your blood ties are strong enough to make membership of the tribe permanent. You need to work for the relationship, family or not.

Now I’m off to waste 2 hours of my life on BuzzFeed. Guilt be gone!